I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
