At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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