I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
