I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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