John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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