me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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