4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
