I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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