Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
