I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
