I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
