I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
