Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
