she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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