..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
