she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
