You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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