If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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