she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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