even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
