guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
