The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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