I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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