I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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