Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
