Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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