mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
