Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
