when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
