she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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