he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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