A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You left your phone here
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