Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
