oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
