i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
