I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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