If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
