Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
