so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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