Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
