I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
