I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
