Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
