dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
