i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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