I want to make a zoo with you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
