YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
