Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
