You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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