I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish there were birth control emojis
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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